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My micro life: 10:07am, 21 March 2013

That awkward moment when you have an Aaron Sorkin-style pedeconference with a colleague who it turns out is actually rather determinedly heading for the toilet.

My micro life: 10:17am, 25 June 2012

Jaws would have been even scarier if it had been about a shart.

“Social media has never been so disposable”

I already read Twitter on the toilet. But that doesn’t mean I’m not tempted to give Shitter a go.

A short lavatorial farce (in three acts)

Two Players: a parent, and child

Act I

First Player: “I intend to make use of the lavatory. Dost thou wish to make use of same, afore?”

Second Player (offstage): “No.”

Act II

(First Player embarks upon stated assignment.)


(Pause, sufficient for first Player to have gained admittance to lavatory and made necessary preparations for stated assignment.)

(Pause, sufficient for first Player to have partially achieved stated assignment.)

(Pause. [Brief.])

Second Player (offstage): “I need to do a poo!”


My micro life (1:30pm, 19 September 2011)

My latest parenting revelation is that you shouldn’t ask someone if they’ve wiped their bottom unless you’re prepared for an immediate, demonstrative browneye.

My micro life: 7:38PM, 18 April 2011

Thought I’d found a spare, unused nappy on the floor! Now imagine the most extreme possible antonym for ‘unused’, and comprehend my horror.

“A perverse interest in the biology of monsters”

Guillermo Del Toro, speaking to Rick Kleffel about his vampire novels The Strain and The Fall (co-written with Chuck Hogan), is worried about Godzilla dropping turds on Tokyo.

My micro life: 1:06pm, 11 September 2009

Managed to flick a vibrant yellow stripe of poo onto myself. Not my own, if that makes it any better.

My micro life: 7:59am, 28 August 2009

Confirmed! Robot dancing to an incorrectly-sung version of Gary Numan’s ‘Cars’ is not amusing to child who is, at that moment, defecating.

My micro life: 8:16am, 10 August 2009

It’s just gone 8.00am and I’ve already picked up one piece of human poo with my fingers.

My micro life: 11:00pm, 2 March 2009

Coroners must occasionally see things which test their professionalism and make them feel ill.

Changing nappies is like that sometimes.

My micro life: 6:37pm, 21 November 2008

It’s amazing how quickly poo disintegrates in bath water. Well, maybe it’s not that amazing.

Found object: 9:59am, 18 September 2008

I figure an ASS reader is some kind of special toilet paper with Braille lettering on it. Either way, when I tried to install one on my computer, all I got was a bunch of errors and some nasty smears on my monitor.

(Design Encyclopedia, which ought to know better)

My micro life: 2:30pm, 27 August 2008

Thanks to the packet of liquorice bullets I just gobbled down, I now know how quickly I can sprint from my desk to the loo.