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A short lavatorial farce (in three acts)

Two Players: a parent, and child

Act I

First Player: “I intend to make use of the lav­atory. Dost thou wish to make use of same, afore?”

Second Player (off­stage): “No.”

Act II

(First Player embarks upon stated assignment.)

Act III

(Pause, suf­fi­cient for first Player to have gained admit­tance to lav­atory and made necessary pre­par­a­tions for stated assignment.)

(Pause, suf­fi­cient for first Player to have par­tially achieved stated assignment.)

(Pause. [Brief.])

Second Player (off­stage): “I need to do a poo!”

Curtain


Just wit­nessed the least sur­prising sugar meltdown since the Acme Nitrocellulose Film Co. moved its storage facility to Jamaica on the very same day that its sister company Acme Budget Fireworks sponsored the Caribbean’s first and only Guy Fawkes celebration.


My latest par­enting rev­el­ation is that you shouldn’t ask someone if they’ve wiped their bottom unless you’re pre­pared for an imme­diate, demon­strative browneye.


Knock knock something something bum

My daughter has dis­covered ‘knock knock’ jokes.

I forget jokes quickly, even ‘knock knock’ jokes, but some quick thinking on my part recently meant I was able to entertain my daughter with some rapidly tran­scribed entries into the canon. For example: ‘Ifor. I forgot my keys’ and ‘Fixyour. Fix your doorbell, I’m tired of knocking’.

No, not exactly Oscar Wilde, but enough to start my daughter thinking beyond the format of:

Knock knock”

Who’s there?”

[Name of ordinary household object within direct sight, eg. cur­tains, Lego, sock]”

[Ordinary household object] who?”

[Repeat ori­ginal response and append the word ‘bum’, before throwing back head and laughing uproariously]”.

In fact, no sooner had I broadened her horizons with a little meta-humour (“Knock knock” “Who’s there?” “Who.” “Who who?” “What what?”) than she was ready to take flight with some­thing a little more soph­ist­icated of her own.

Knock knock,” she chal­lenged. Her look said ‘I’m throwing away the rulebook here, and the rulebook is called Caution, and what I’m throwing it into is the effing wind’. But there was some­thing else: uncer­tainty, fear at her own aspir­a­tions, a flicker of hes­it­ation in her eyes. Had she gone too far, too soon? Whatever her punchline was going to be, was it too late to figure out a way of adding ‘bum’ to the end of it?

Who’s there?” I answered, betraying no sign that I had detected any flaw in her mettle.

Knock,” she declared, surer now of the strength of her material, a smirk playing at the corner of her mouth as she sensed the full mag­nitude of the psy­cho­lin­guistic victory she was about to enjoy over me.

Knock… who?” I quavered, as though sud­denly and hideously aware of the scale of my impending defeat.

Knock… KNOCK!” she answered.

And she threw back her head and laughed, and so did I, because she had turned the joke upon itself, you see, made it infin­itely recursive, twisting it into the form of a pretzel that has been swal­lowed by a snake that, remaining peckish, then eats its own tail, and nobody had needed to append the word ‘bum’ to any­thing, and then I imme­di­ately dashed to my com­puter to write down her joke so that I didn’t forget it, which brings us back to my ori­ginal point about not being able to remember jokes very well; again, somewhat like the pretzel-eating our­ou­bouros I men­tioned earlier.

And that is how ‘knock knock’ jokes are made, always and forever.


Thought I’d found a spare, unused nappy on the floor! Now imagine the most extreme pos­sible antonym for ‘unused’, and com­prehend my horror.



Just had to clean up a urine spill (in a wardrobe, no less), in the course of which I stubbed my toe on a xylo­phone shaped like a dog.


My daughter and I are playing super­heroes. She has a sequinned cape, kneepads and a sword; I have a pink shawl and a handbag with a toy spanner with it.


Daughter is having trouble getting sleep. “I want prince,” she sobs.

Halfway through my acapella version of ‘Sexy MF’ I realised she was referring to the prince in Sleeping Beauty.


A daughter’s gift

photo

Oftentimes the phrase “Daddy, I’ve got some­thing to show you” heralds a token of dubious prestige. Like this, which my daughter pulled from the front pocket of the hoodie I’d just put on her.

Carbon dating puts its origin at sometime in the early part of 2010.


To some ques­tions there are no easy answers. For instance, I have no idea why an octopus — let’s call him Henry — would need to wear a hat.


I’m not sure The Wiggles have much to offer from an edu­ca­tional per­spective if they still haven’t figured out how to wake up Jeff.


Measuring my pro­gress as a dad by my increasing will­ingness (nay, enthu­siasm) to venture outside wearing only my underpants.


Always a bit scep­tical when I hear The Wiggles claim that Dorothy is their favourite dinosaur.

What basis for com­parison do they have?


Opened bin to find wasp in there. Put bag of incredibly soiled nappies on top of wasp.

Humans: 1

Vespidae: nil


Managed to flick a vibrant yellow stripe of poo onto myself. Not my own, if that makes it any better.


Confirmed! Robot dancing to an incorrectly-sung version of Gary Numan’s ‘Cars’ is not amusing to child who is, at that moment, defecating.


My daughter just asked me to “run like an emo”. I had already slipped over on my own tears when I realised she meant “emu”.


It’s just gone 8.00am and I’ve already picked up one piece of human poo with my fingers.


Comments I’d rephrase for clarity if I had my time again (#14): “Daddy’s just going to wipe his bottom and make you a sandwich.”