When social and political historians come to write the defin­itive history of the climate change debate, a chapter will surely have to be set aside to document the rise of one of the most cunning and media-savvy interest groups this country has ever seen. That chapter — assuming the authors strive for trans­parency of meaning and don’t adopt a naming scheme that is wilfully obnubil­atory — will surely have to be entitled “The Penguins”.

Scientists have suggested that for the species Eudyptula minor (the so-called ‘little’ or ‘fairy’ penguin) inhab­iting northern Tasmania, Victoria and the Bass Strait islands, rising sea temper­atures may in fact prove to be procre­at­ively advant­ageous. The theory is that warmer seas will encourage penguins to breed earlier, and breed better.

Before we consider the science, a few items of historical record. Penguins, you will recall, were one of the the first major lobby groups to spread misin­form­ation about the envir­onment. In the eighties, penguins ran a cynical, pro-cholorofluorocarbon campaign in a desperate attempt to forestall the collapse of the aerosol industry in which, as a species, they had massively over-invested. The penguins later changed tack, claiming that a hole in the ozone layer was in the best interests of human– and animal-kind in general. The ozone layer, according to the penguins, was simply an artificial, psycho­lo­gical barrier preventing the creatures of Earth from claiming their destiny among the stars — or, as the penguin-funded billboards proclaimed, a “no-go-zone layer”.

In these enlightened days, of course, we know that the ozone layer and its accom­pa­nying hole is in fact an elaborate costume devised for Lady Gaga’s 2010 southern hemisphere tour. In any case, the focus of the envir­on­mental cause has shifted. And when it comes to climate change, penguins have been gallingly obstinate. First, they denied the very existence of global warming. Now, embar­rassed at having to acknow­ledge that the climate really is changing, the penguin lobby is trying to tell us that an increase in ocean temper­ature is actually a positive devel­opment because it allow them to reproduce quicker, and more often.

But is this something we want to encourage? Just what are the evil forces that lurk behind behind this heedless rush to breed? Every cloaca is precious, and no penguin should have to sacrifice its urogenital integrity at the altar of fluctu­ating global temper­atures. Sadly, penguins already have enough excuses for indulging in hasty, ill-planned sex. How many times have we seen grainy images of penguins huddled in their shelters, caught in the act, filmed in that tell-tale “sex-o-chrome” night vision that speaks of a thousand Sphenisciforme sins? Some females even submit themselves to performing flipper-jobs and other profoundly humili­ating acts simply to obtain a few nice pebbles with which to decorate their homes. Do we really need to be engin­eering those very circum­stances which will propel these lasci­vious creatures to ever more depraved sexual activities?

Another question we might ask is whether we really need more penguins. A quick survey reveals that penguins are in major positions of power in nearly 0.0000001% of the companies currently listed in the Dow 30. You don’t have to be a mathem­atician to figure out that this works out to a total of 0.0000003 penguins. In fact, all you need to be is a person who has a general functional intel­li­gence, a calcu­lator, and fingers.

Now, most climate change deniers are as laughable as an author of an article on climate change stooping to a pun about the envir­on­mental debate “heating up”. But as the envir­on­mental debate heats up, the penguins have adopted sophist­icated tactics, twisting science to their own ends and fashioning themselves into several 40cm tall forces to be reckoned with. “Stressing the positives of climate change is a clever move,” says one public relations expert, who can’t be named due to having only just been invented by me for the purposes of this blog post, and whose ten word contri­bution to this piece scarcely warrants direct quotation in any case.

One wonders what is to be the next line of attack against the envir­on­mental movement — and from which quarter such an attack might arise. A number of leading giraffes, pointing (though not literally) to the growing obesity epidemic among long-necked ruminants, have already come out in favour of defor­est­ation because it encourages young giraffes to consider a more varied and balanced diet.

There is only one place all this can end. By which, I mean this article. And, because this article has in fact ended, that place is here.